Adventures of a Wayfarer

My first and only long term, truly in love relationship was one I will never forget or regret. I fell in love with a man who treated me like a queen. He was perfectly flawed and we had our battles. In the end of the relationship, I was confused. I did not know what I wanted. He thought he knew what he wanted, yet he was extremely selfish. We both were selfish. We were young. We thought the world was ours and that nothing could stop us. But really, that isn’t the truth. He moved and I stayed. We tried the long distance. But the longer it went on, the more distant we became. We took a break. It was very short, maybe 2 weeks.

When I went to visit him, he wanted nothing but for me to be happy, but there was something missing. I didn’t know it at the time. I didn’t know who I was without him. Whenever we were talked about it wasn’t “Oh Courtney did this” or “Oh Courtney is this” It was “Courtney and Josh” and “Josh and Courtney.” I didn’t have a clue of who I was. I was a college graduate stuck in purgatory. I had no job and no acceptance to grad school. He was a graduate who had a job, a career path. He knew where he was going. I knew nothing. Our relationship came to a close. We told each other we would wait for one another. Honestly, looking back on it now,  I could almost laugh at the thought of waiting for someone. Inevitably, I began dating for a short period, a year after we closed our chapter. He was seeing someone as well. We ran into one another and the sparks should have been there, but they weren’t. We realized that we weren’t meant for one another. If we loved each other, and wanted to be with each other for the rest of our lives, we would have tried everything to make it work. In your twenties, and your first love, you realize that you haven’t seen the world. You know there are others out there and you begin questioning if this one is the right one. That’s what happened between us. We were right. He is now engaged to be married. Unfortunately, I have not met my match (and I’m content with that).

This brings me to my current thoughts. I have spoken to so many people and have experienced so many of my friends trials and errors in relationships. A friend who is sticking with her boyfriend, but she doesn’t see herself marrying him. A friend who is in a marriage where she hates there husband, yet she won’t leave because she doesn’t think there is anything else out there. A guy who settled for a girl who treats him like shit, yet he can’t see the truth clouded behind his hope for the future. Two guys who cheat on their girlfriends and the girls don’t know it. A guy who is waiting for the girl who told him it won’t work.

These relationships make me question if it is all actually worth it.

I feel like you either know or you don’t know. If you don’t know, then you will never know. You will always question, you will always have the “what if.” If you know, there may be doubts at times, but you know this is what you want, you don’t need to see what else is out there. Or you know that this is not it and you need to get out.

It’s weird when there is someone standing there in front of you who doesn’t love you the way you should be, and yet you are just hanging on hoping they will change. That’s how I was, hanging on hope for it to change. But people don’t change. We are selfish. We want everything our way. We might try and we may do acts that are selfless, but when it all comes down to it, we aren’t completely. It’s human nature. We also fantasize. We dream that this person who is confused and wary will one day wake up and say “OMG I do love you” and you will live happily ever after. But I don’t think that is the case. Maybe I am bitter, maybe I am a realist. I think that if the person is wary, confused and uncertain if you are the person they love, then you aren’t. Maybe in the future if your paths cross, and it was meant to be, it’ll somehow work. But making that person wait for you while figuring it out is just down right wrong. You are willing to allow them to be unhappy while you are out in the world living your life happily, because all they want is to see you happy?

How can someone be happy when they know that person is there waiting for you, unhappy and scared that you will break their heart, that you did break their heart? Because people want their cake, and they want to eat it too. They want to play and they want to have someone to fall back on when they have no one. It’s sad. That isn’t love. That’s not the way someone should be treated. That is not what someone deserves, and yet I know so many people who allow it to happen to them. And then in the future, they find out that their partner’s faith was not true. There was cheating and secrets.

I know this, I was the other woman once (unknowingly). I know how a guy can keep a secret. I now know that he wanted his cake and to eat it too. After I found out he was in a relationship, I ended it. He constantly told me he wanted me and I told him he can’t because he had a girlfriend. He would tell me he was unhappy with her, she didn’t give him what he needed and that’s why he needed to go out and be unfaithful. BULLSHIT! There is no excuse for cheating. There is not justification to dragging someone on, for playing games with their heart while you have a happy life of whatever you want.

Well there is my rant brought on by both old and new friends who I admire greatly and who I may love to death, but still am angry towards. You can’t talk sense into people, they have to figure it out themselves. Sometimes I wish they just could see from the outside what it looks like, what it feels like. To see how they deserve so much more, or to see how much of an asshole they are for being a douche and cheating.

Happy Thursday? (HAHA)