Like that Ironic title? Yeah same. Cheating is the absolute end all for all things trust.
I have been cheated on three times in my lifetime. All three times left me at a low. I hated myself, blamed myself, looked at myself in the mirror and tore my looks apart. I didn’t know how to be me after each guy who cheated on me. I couldn’t face the world, because I thought something was wrong with me. Why would someone do something so cruel to another person? Was it because of my looks? Was it my personality? Was it to do with sex? I questioned myself daily until, I finally realized that it wasn’t me at all.Of the three times, the last time was the worst. I was at a concert with a friend. We met a group of guys from New York. One of them couldn’t stop complimenting me. He loved my eyes, my freckles. We exchanged numbers.We talked everyday after that and I ended up spontaneously going to NYC to meet him again. It was a great weekend. A few weeks later, he asked if we could make our dating just me and him, boyfriend and girlfriend. I said yes. That’s when things started getting strange. He would sometimes answer his phone or he wouldn’t call for days. Then all of a sudden I would get a message that didn’t make sense. He kept playing with my emotions. One day long distance was too much for him, the next he was almost confessing his love. I was emotionally confused. My friends were weary. This guy is playing you. One friend stalked him and found out he was with another girl every time he said he was at work. Being someone who doesn’t jump to conclusions, I asked him politely. He said “oh she’s a friend, drop it now.” I did. A few days later, he was on a date with her according to his tag on social media. I asked her what was up. She said they had been dating for basically the same time we were dating. I lost it. I couldn’t deal with it. I broke up with him. He called me day in and day out, told me he loved me and yet he was still dating her. I couldn’t handle it. I thought it was me. One day, I just snapped. He had called me crying and telling me how much I meant to him and how he wanted to visit. I stopped him mid conversation and said do not ever contact me again- along with some foul-mouth choice words. It took awhile to come back from that.I remember the lows I hit. Things got bad. Not only was I heartbroken, but I also was having stress from a job I hated and anxiety from applying to graduate school for the third year in a row. I hit a low. I never told anyone this, and here I am telling the world. I never once contemplated death, those thoughts have never crossed my mind. However, I was depressed. I cried almost everyday. I was disgusted with myself. I covered my mirror in my room and most days I dressed in the dark to avoid looking at my body. I hid the pain as best as I could from my family. The first few weeks after confronting him about cheating, I cried in my mom’s arms and even cried to my dad- which has never happened. I think that brought us closer. I was never open like that with my parents before, I felt a new adult connection with them. My friends tried words of endearment and I smiled through gritted teeth. I faked my happiness, somedays it was harder than others. I couldn’t get out of bed, but I forced myself. Then one day, I decided that was enough. Why was I so upset with life when all it did was provide me with experiences to better myself. I went to my doctor and was prescribed with a medicine for my anxiety problems.
It’s been well over a year since I dropped that guy from my life and my thoughts. I have come along way since then. I am more aware of myself and my friends. I invite people inot my life more carefully than I use to. I still wear my heart on my sleeve and it still gets me into trouble with the dating world, but I haven’t been cheated on since. I haven’t had that feeling of utter disgust with myself. Instead, I bounce back. I find myself in a peaceful place sitting daydreaming about all the good I have in my life and how the people who have hurt me, have taught my valuable lessons. They have allowed me to mold myself into someone who I would admire, who I would want to befriend. It took a while, depression isn’t something that just goes away, I still find myself battling with it daily. But I am thankful and appreciative of the lessons I have learned from. I am an optimistic person, always have been, but sometimes we all have our faults.
Being on my own, learning has made me stronger. I still wear my heart on my sleeve. I still smile at strangers passing. I still put myself out there in the dating world even after a few dates since I moved to Philly have been horrible and left me wondering what I did. Those “boys” who cheated on me, who thought that they could “have their cake and eat it too” are the ones who are missing out in life. They are the ones who will never get to see the beauty I bring to this world. They will never experience my laughter at its happiest, my eyes full of passion, my soul bursting with joy and my heart that is full of love. They will never feel that love.
I hope the world doesn’t harden you, I hope that the good moments in your life outweigh the bad. I hope that if you are down and can’t seem to find a light, you make your own light. Stop looking outward and start looking in. You will find that you are stronger than you think. You are worth so much more than you could imagine.
Adventures of a Wayfarer 